Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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