Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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