I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
