I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
