clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
