Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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