Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
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