one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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