smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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