umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
