I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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