I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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