im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
