Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
