so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
