Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
