Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
