Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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