sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
