Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
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