Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
