Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
