All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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