Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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