there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
