So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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