i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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