does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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