I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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