guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Randomize
