i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
