it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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