I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
