you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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