fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
