this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
