ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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