Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You pole danced in your parka.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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