zippers are such a cool invention
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
