just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
