In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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