I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
