Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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