On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Randomize
