Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
