woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize