I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize