I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
