did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I love you.
Bad choice
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize