Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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