We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
