the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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