As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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