Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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