nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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