so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
